十五
坂田银时已经不再计算时间。
因为时间是一种极为残忍的事物。人们在幸福时计算时间,是为了确认幸福;在痛苦时计算时间,是为了捱过痛苦。时间本质上是一种知觉,一种对四季轮转、天命阳寿的衡量。因此,对于一个远离幸福又不在乎痛苦,也无所谓时间连转生命延续的人而言,时间又有什么意义?意义、生命、师长、同侪、朋友、仇雠、爱、恨……一切的一切,所有的所有,都随着那最后一次挥刀结束了。
他不知道自己是怎样离开的悬崖,也不知道自己用什么表情埋葬了死去的战友,更不知道自己有没有和活着的战友告别。他只是自顾自地、头也不回地、往路的尽头走……要去哪儿?会遇见谁?明天会怎么样?他已经不在乎。从松阳老师的头颅下流出的血变得粘稠、黯淡、乌黑,成为一个黑洞,拽着他往深处滑去。滑进这个黑洞,放弃一切知觉,这是他眼前唯一的路。
时间是一种知觉,坂田银时放弃了对世界的一切知觉。他不再计算自己在牢房中呆了多少天,不再记得上一顿饭和下一顿饭之间隔了多少小时,不再在乎上一次在榻榻米上睡觉是在什么时候……他彷佛又回到了小时候——遇见松阳老师之前,刚有记忆的那几年,在尸块和刀剑中觅食的,过一天算一天的日子。偶尔那么几个瞬间,他想起那个时候人们对他的称呼——鬼。真好笑,他想,现在的自己哪里算得上鬼,分明只是一只连坟墓前的供品都要吃的野兽。
当他吃到寺田家的馒头时,登势婆婆收留了他——又一次,他像一只水沟里湿漉漉的流浪猫一样被人领回家,再次拥有了遮风挡雨的屋顶和干燥的被褥,慢慢有了自己的营生。都市生活和在长州的日子大相径庭,他身边的人如流沙般来来去去,直到他撞上了新八和神乐,时隔多年后,他这一叶随波逐流的小舟再一次拥有了锚。他终于再一次拥有了期盼已久的生活。
——如果他没有在那一天多管闲事,如果假发没有在那一天出现在天人大使馆门口的话。
坂田银时躺在榻榻米上,双眼直直地盯着天花板上无光的顶灯,左肩的伤口还在隐隐作痛,加上白天的一通折腾,他的上半身已经在瘫软的边缘徘徊。早知道当时就不逞强答应背那两个家伙回家了,银时心想。可是那份久违的负担和似曾相识的温暖又令他眷恋——还有那从池田屋酒店就始终停留在他身后的视线,像一只温柔的手支撑着他的后背。 “像以前一样……”银时小声嘟囔,声音里透出一丝怀念的味道。
可是,真的可以像以前一样吗?
他没有变,假发也没有变,从口头禅到饮食习惯,都像最顽强的污垢一样紧紧跟着他们。但桂和他所处的世界已经不一样了,他的身上还有未完的革命,身边围绕着幸存的同志,他的眼睛里还有愤怒的火光,还没有放弃对新世界的渴望……他们已经走在了不同的路上,他不会重新拿起刀,他也不会就此放下刀,这是两条不会再相交的分岔路。更何况,他们之间还横亘着松阳老师这一道迈不过的槛——无论他给他的是责难还是宽宥,他都无法承受。
一块记忆的残片在坂田银时的脑海里漂浮起来——乌黑的长发,明亮的眼睛,翠绿的羽织,蹲在流水淙淙的河边。紧接着,一片,一片,又一片……关于桂小太郎的碎片充斥他的心脏,把他的胸口压得又闷又疼。记忆无法再重现,记忆的疼痛却如此真实地向他袭来。银时无奈地闭上了双眼。
“七年了啊……”
他再一次记起了时间。
祭奠之后,江户恢复了日常的节奏。熙熙攘攘的人群在暮色中穿梭,没有人注意到一个僧侣在拐过几条窄巷后,转进了路旁的一栋町屋。他轻巧的脚步踏在二层的木地板上,拉开走廊尽头的房间门。
“我以为你已经走了。”桂小太郎背对着窗户脱下伪装用的袈裟,朝窗边的人说。“离开船还有一点时间。”后者随口答道,眼神从远方的晚霞收回到屋内,盯着他放在矮桌上的一只断腿的机械青蛙问道:“这是什么?”
“小孩子的玩具。走路时不小心踩坏了,就买了。”看着桂理所当然的表情,高杉晋助不动声色地笑了一下。“你还是和以前一样,对这些小玩具没有抵抗力。”说完,他抬眼望着桂空荡荡的身边,问道:“坂本送你的宠物呢?”
“伊丽莎白被电视台请去录节目了,明天下午才会回来。”桂的眉头微皱,说:“还有,伊丽莎白不是宠物,是我的宇宙朋友。”
高杉发出一些尖利的笑声,从窗边走到矮桌前,姿势随意地坐下,说:“朋友?真讽刺啊,还记得你第一次看见外星生物时的情形吗?”
“外星里不全是坏东西,你应该也知道,如果不是来自外星的医疗技术,我们早就死了。坂本寄来的信里介绍了很多有用的宇宙生物和天人技术,高杉,时代的浪潮扬起来了,只有利用好天人的技术,才能拥有足以对抗他们的力量。”桂从冰箱中拿出茶饮料瓶,倒了一杯绿茶递给高杉。“安全屋,条件有限。”高杉接过陶瓷茶杯,抿了一口。他望向茶杯中的自己晃荡的倒影,绷带下,左眼发出阵阵刺痛。
“假发,我跟你的眼睛,看到的是不一样的东西。”高杉嘴唇紧紧抿成线,他的食指和拇指更加用力地捏住茶杯的杯沿,眼神在暗淡的灯光下摇曳。
“高杉,我很担心你。”桂挪动身子,靠近了一些,他的左手搭上高杉晋助的右膝,“你总是执着于过去,一直在伤害自己。高杉,这样下去是不会有未来的……”
“假发,”高杉用力地捏住桂的手,“这就是我想要的。”说罢,高杉直起身子站起来,“把你的操心留给更需要的人吧。” “已经没有人再需要我操心了。”桂低着头,用几乎听不见的声音说,“除了你。”
一阵风从窗外吹来,在静止的两人之间搅动起一些无形的波澜,初春的气温仍然令人感到寒冷。桂感到一只冰冷的手极轻地抚上他的左脸,关节分明的手指在他的皮肤上滑动、弯曲,令他脊背发颤。高杉重新蹲下来,弓着身体,将两人的嘴唇印在一起,他的另一只手无意识地绕着桂后背的头发。
“真是个笨蛋。”高杉捧着桂的脸,微颤的嘴角上挂着若有似无的苦笑。
“谁是笨蛋。”桂将额头靠上高杉紧实的肩膀。变成大人以后,反而更不坦率了。这句话,桂没有说出口。在这个人命朝不保夕的时节,两个人能这样平静地独处的时间屈指可数,他并不希望用无谓的争执让这些来之不易的相聚白白耗费掉。他会走出来的,这需要一点时间。桂在心里对自己说。夜已经深了,屋里的灯光也已经熄灭,在高杉狂热的吻和爱抚中,在温暖和欢愉之外,他始终感到些许不安。
月亮沉了下去,江户的街道被浓密的暮色笼罩。到时间了。高杉晋助从床铺上坐起来,静静地看向身旁熟睡的桂。他伸手靠上他耳边的一缕发丝,又谨慎地收了回来,将他因为翻身而透风的被子重新掖好。像幽灵那么轻巧,高杉走向门边,从门外合拢了拉门。房间的矮桌上,一只断腿的机械青蛙玩具旁,放着一只崭新的带珍珠链条的吊饰钱包。
一天……
两天……
三天……
坂田银时扳着手指头计算着时间,这是第七天。被西乡妈妈拖到Okama俱乐部的第七天,他们终于因为从宇宙怪兽口中救下西乡的儿子被准许离开。拉开万事屋的门,并没有醋昆布女孩和眼镜的气息,只有一张写着“登势婆婆请我们泡温泉去了!”的纸条欢迎他。真会落井下石啊婆婆!腹诽无效,他扯下夹在头上的马尾卷发随意扔在地板上,呈一个歪歪斜斜的“大”字形扑进床铺里,发出一些意味不明的呜咽。房间那头的浴室里传来滴滴答答的水声,过了一会儿,桂小太郎揉着半干的头发,身着一件浅绿色长和服走进卧室。
“银时,睡前如果不卸妆的话,皮肤会坏掉的。”桂双手抱在胸前,低头看着正在自己脚边昏昏欲睡的银时。
“你果然已经在那个世界回不来了,假发,这么愉快地接受了假发子的设定,坏掉就不仅仅是你的皮肤了。”银时将后脑勺枕在手掌上,面无表情地盯着天花板,嘴里嘟囔道。
“不是假发,是桂。”桂蹲下来,扯了扯银时的脸。“去洗脸啦,我的卸妆洗面奶可以借你噢!”
“不要!”银时扯过被子蒙住自己的头,闷声闷气地嚷道。
“我不要!这是我家,我想不做什么就可以不做什么!”
桂盯着在床铺上拧成一条的银时棉被,叹了口气,兀自在他身旁平躺下,说:“好吧,这是你家,你想做什么就做什么。”说着,他伸手将裹住银时的杯子扯出一片盖在自己的前胸。
“你干什么啊,假发!”银时紧紧拽住正在被拖离的棉被,“我只有这一床被子!”
“别那么计较嘛,都是要把武士夹克送给我的人了,区区一床被子算什么?”桂朝自己的方向一使劲,把银时的身体翻了个面,满意地躺进半床棉被中。坂田银时从床铺上爬起来,满脸怒容地瞪着毫无愧意甚至还有一丝笑意挂在嘴角的桂小太郎,发出一声无奈的叹息,重新躺回自己那一半被子里。
“随你喜欢吧。”坂田银时发出放弃的声音,疲惫地闭上了眼。
窗外的夜越来越浓了,楼下小酒馆的谈话声和行脚步声渐渐稀疏,最终完全静了下来。桂小太郎盯着天花板上漆黑的弯曲木纹,朝身旁的人试探性地唤道。
“银时?”
没有回应。
“银时?”桂又喊了一声,依然没有回应。
“真是老年人,睡得这么快。”
“你才是老年人,你从八岁起就已经是一个老年人了。”桂身旁的身体突然扭过头来,发出抗议的声音。
“讲点道理,银时,我才没有这么夸张。”
“你就有这么夸张。”坂田银时突然翻身,和桂小太郎面对面,盯着他的脸说:“讲道理,你浑身上下唯一年轻的就只有这张脸而已。”
桂眨了眨眼,他的角膜上泛着一层月光,显得分外明亮。他没有回答,只是静静地看着他。“你现在的脸像个女人。”感到桂的视线在自己的脸上游走,坂田银时的喉结紧张地滚了一圈,他感到自己的脸颊在黑夜的掩饰下正在发烫,却仍用毫不在意的语气说:“那是因为我还没有卸妆,笨蛋。”
桂似乎想起了一些事,从他的嘴角溢出一些笑声,说:“早知道你扮女孩子也那么可爱,那个时候应该也让你——” 桂的话音到一半突然止住了。银时的心脏彷佛被拧了一转,一些事从记忆深处涌上来,堵在他的喉头。彷佛一场无声的对弈,他在等他前进,他在等他回应。然而最终,两个人谁也没有动,只就这么沉默着,望进彼此心中的深渊。
“都是过去的事了。”桂的声音轻得几乎听不见,却像一块巨石压在银时的胸口。作为回答,他胡乱地应了一声。又是一阵沉默。
“银时?”
“什么?”
“我说,你还是去洗脸吧。”
这一回,银时没有拒绝,而是“嗯”了一声,起身走向浴室。桂注视着他疲惫的身影消失在房间外,从床铺上坐起来,张开手掌,抚过残留着银时体温的床单,清冷的月光落在他的指尖。
“好了,我洗干净了,能不要再拿我的脸开玩笑了吗,假——”
十分钟后,坂田银时走进卧室,一股冰凉的风朝他袭来。他越过空无一人的床铺,走到窗前向外看去——漆黑的街道中已没有任何人经过的气息。他还是走了,和他每一次来时一样,猝不及防又不动声色。银时往窗外吐出一声叹息,关上了窗。
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